I don’t want disordered eating anymore.

I really want it to stop.
The strict rules I make, the restricting, the binging, the self destruction, the emotional rollercoaster.
I think I’m ready to really accept help, not just fake it.

I want to recover, for real, please.

I just purged so much my head feels like it’s going to explode.

Bleh. I should’ve just skipped dinner rather than do it this way.

2nd day in a row…I’m on the verge of losing control.

It’s got to be weeks since I last purged. I can’t remember the last time, so it can’t have been in the past 2 weeks. Then again, I don’t usually remember purging. It’s like being on autopilot - I don’t realise what I’m doing until I’m done. But I just threw up then. I didn’t binge - I don’t binge, I just don’t feel comfortable feeling full. And now I’m empty. Empty and hurting. Bleh. Don’t ever try purging - don’t ever for a second think that it’s the answer - it’s not worth it. You don’t want this.

It’s got to be weeks since I last purged. I can’t remember the last time, so it can’t have been in the past 2 weeks.

Then again, I don’t usually remember purging. It’s like being on autopilot - I don’t realise what I’m doing until I’m done.

But I just threw up then.

I didn’t binge - I don’t binge, I just don’t feel comfortable feeling full.

And now I’m empty. Empty and hurting. Bleh.

Don’t ever try purging - don’t ever for a second think that it’s the answer - it’s not worth it.

You don’t want this.

Purge purge purge

I just threw up.

And there was blood…so much blood.

At first I noticed a few specks, but nothing to worry about right? Maybe I’d just scratched my throat…

But then I did some more, and it came gushing out.

I don’t know why or where it was from.

If it was my stomach I’d have felt it, right?

But I’ve been taking painkillers all day for the cramps…

So wtf.

For some reason this is bringing up memories of my psych telling me all the reasons why I know I shouldn’t purge. One of his reasons, “besides, it doesn’t even work.”

Pfft. Stupid.

If it didn’t work, I wouldn’t do it.

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