Forget everything you thought you knew.

I don’t want disordered eating anymore.

I really want it to stop.
The strict rules I make, the restricting, the binging, the self destruction, the emotional rollercoaster.
I think I’m ready to really accept help, not just fake it.

I want to recover, for real, please.

This was posted 3 months ago. It has 1 note.

My knuckles are all sliced up from purging.

I was always jealous of my friend - she could throw up just by using her stomach muscles, but I’ve always had to stick my finger down my throat, which ends up in my cuts all over my knuckles from my teeth.

It’s been quite a long time since I’ve purged though…I think. I can’t remember the last time, so I assume it’s been a while.

I don’t even know why I did it today, or how it started, I was in total auto-pilot…all of a sudden I found myself on the bathroom floor with tears streaming down my face, my hand covered in blood and my lunch in front of me.

Real classy.

My old cuts had healed but were scarring. Around the time I’d started purging lots I fell over at training and scraped my hand and knee and blamed them on the fall whenever I was questioned.

I don’t know what I’ll say this time.

I don’t know if I care.

This was posted 4 months ago.

Thanks everyone who stuck around.

I know I promise to be here and then I disappear again.

But I’ve decided my new year’s resolution is to be on here at least once per week!

So much has happened in the past year…

I ran a blistering race, then pulled up the next day with an unexpected injury that side lined me for months, ending my entire Winter/XC season.

In the process I lost a stack of weight, and started getting questioned by everyone. A few interventions later, I’m a fatass.

I recovered from injury, ran a few amazing races, qualified to run internationally, then got injured again. So there goes my main track season.

So that’s where I am now, injured, fat, and finding it hard to budge. It’s really quite…frustrating more than anything.

Christmas isn’t helping. So much chocolate being passed around at work - and everyone knows I loooooooove chocolate - and it’s majorly suspicious if I turn it down, everyone starts freaking out that I’m going to be all bones again.

But that’s what I want.

So now that I’m really over the whole eating thing, and really tired of the size of my butt (which is made entirely worse by the fact that most of my training right now is cycling as I’m only just allowed to start running again…and cycling = big butt!), I’ve found myself doing the whole…taking a bite then spitting it out when no one is looking.

I’m starting to get mouth ulcers now :(

This is so frustrating. I feel so disgusting, and depressed. If I don’t get that endorphin kick in the morning, I feel so down for the rest of the day.

I cannot emphasise how much my butt is making me (even more) self-concious. It’s measuring in at 34 inches now…it was 31 inches a few months ago, that’s a MASSIVE gain. It looks so out of proportion to the rest of me…sigh.

I hope everyone is well, I went back through all my past posts, the messages some of you used to write me were so lovely, I hope you’re still here.

I hope everyone had a Christmas they enjoyed. This year’s was my first Christmas without my brother around. It was weird and awkward, and everyone just pretended like it wasn’t happening and that nothing was different.

But it was.

So tomorrow - 90 minute bike ride, 1 hour walk, and as little food as possible.
o

This was posted 4 months ago. It has 11 notes.