12km/60 min fartlek session this morning

It’s only kicking in now that I’m wrecked.

and I love it.

Binge and purge. Binge and purge. The pressure is getting to me. I’m meant to go back to training with my coach at the end of the month, and I look totally…urgh. Last time I was injured, just before I was due to go back to training, was when people started holding “interventions” for me. I was down to the low 40kgs…and when I got to training and my coach saw me for the first time post-injury, he said I looked really good. He said I looked better than I ever had. Now if I go back looking like this, he’s going to be so disappointed. He’ll think I let myself go. To be honest I have a bit. And I don’t know what it is, whenever I want to lose weight, normal food department is fine, but I have this overwhelming urge to bake…and bake…and then I binge and I purge and I know it’s going to happen and I don’t want it to, but I do it anyway. Especially cookies. I get obsessed with making pretty, perfect cookies, then gorging on them and purging so much I can’t stand the sight of food. I’m such a failure. I don’t even know why I did it today, I had a good day. I had a 3km run (short as I did 11km yesterday - first time since injury running consecutive days!), did an intense glute and ab workout, cycled for half an hour, then walked for an hour. Has anyone used the Skimble workout app? I started using it a few weeks ago when I got lazy at creating my own circuits for core work. Some of the stuff on there is really hard! And as someone who normally thinks a 2hour 23km run is an easy start to a Sunday morning, some of these workouts I can’t finish! Meanwhile, I was totally exhausted when I got home this morning and slept for hours. My boyfriend got bored and looked up porn on my computer…I don’t care that he looks at porn, all guys do, but I didn’t know what type, and I just saw what he looks at… I’m so inadequate.

Binge and purge. Binge and purge.

The pressure is getting to me. I’m meant to go back to training with my coach at the end of the month, and I look totally…urgh.

Last time I was injured, just before I was due to go back to training, was when people started holding “interventions” for me. I was down to the low 40kgs…and when I got to training and my coach saw me for the first time post-injury, he said I looked really good. He said I looked better than I ever had.

Now if I go back looking like this, he’s going to be so disappointed. He’ll think I let myself go.

To be honest I have a bit. And I don’t know what it is, whenever I want to lose weight, normal food department is fine, but I have this overwhelming urge to bake…and bake…and then I binge and I purge and I know it’s going to happen and I don’t want it to, but I do it anyway.

Especially cookies. I get obsessed with making pretty, perfect cookies, then gorging on them and purging so much I can’t stand the sight of food.

I’m such a failure.

I don’t even know why I did it today, I had a good day.

I had a 3km run (short as I did 11km yesterday - first time since injury running consecutive days!), did an intense glute and ab workout, cycled for half an hour, then walked for an hour.

Has anyone used the Skimble workout app? I started using it a few weeks ago when I got lazy at creating my own circuits for core work. Some of the stuff on there is really hard! And as someone who normally thinks a 2hour 23km run is an easy start to a Sunday morning, some of these workouts I can’t finish!

Meanwhile, I was totally exhausted when I got home this morning and slept for hours. My boyfriend got bored and looked up porn on my computer…I don’t care that he looks at porn, all guys do, but I didn’t know what type, and I just saw what he looks at…

I’m so inadequate.

I wish it would snow here so I could go running in the snow!

I wish it would snow here so I could go running in the snow!

Past my bedtime…

It’s 9:30pm, way past my bedtime :|

Have to be up and ready to start training at 5:30am tomorrow (and that’s a sleep in)…yawn.

Tomorrow’s recovering-from-injury morning session:

  • 30 minute tempo (approx 7.5km min to be covered)
  • 90 minute cycle
  • 60 minute core session

And evening session:

  • 60 minute walk
  • 30 minute stretch session

With a baking session and afternoon siesta in between because I have the day off work, wooooh xx

On this day last year… This is the session I clocked at training. And the notes I wrote say it was a really bad session, that I was hung over and my legs were heavy before I even started. And I know I wouldn’t be able to run that now. Going through my Garmin Activities makes me miss running so, so badly. Urgh. 3 more weeks and I’ll be back. Back with a vengeance.

On this day last year…

This is the session I clocked at training. And the notes I wrote say it was a really bad session, that I was hung over and my legs were heavy before I even started.

And I know I wouldn’t be able to run that now.

Going through my Garmin Activities makes me miss running so, so badly.

Urgh. 3 more weeks and I’ll be back.

Back with a vengeance.

Thanks everyone who stuck around.

I know I promise to be here and then I disappear again.

But I’ve decided my new year’s resolution is to be on here at least once per week!

So much has happened in the past year…

I ran a blistering race, then pulled up the next day with an unexpected injury that side lined me for months, ending my entire Winter/XC season.

In the process I lost a stack of weight, and started getting questioned by everyone. A few interventions later, I’m a fatass.

I recovered from injury, ran a few amazing races, qualified to run internationally, then got injured again. So there goes my main track season.

So that’s where I am now, injured, fat, and finding it hard to budge. It’s really quite…frustrating more than anything.

Christmas isn’t helping. So much chocolate being passed around at work - and everyone knows I loooooooove chocolate - and it’s majorly suspicious if I turn it down, everyone starts freaking out that I’m going to be all bones again.

But that’s what I want.


So now that I’m really over the whole eating thing, and really tired of the size of my butt (which is made entirely worse by the fact that most of my training right now is cycling as I’m only just allowed to start running again…and cycling = big butt!), I’ve found myself doing the whole…taking a bite then spitting it out when no one is looking.

I’m starting to get mouth ulcers now :(

This is so frustrating. I feel so disgusting, and depressed. If I don’t get that endorphin kick in the morning, I feel so down for the rest of the day.

I cannot emphasise how much my butt is making me (even more) self-concious. It’s measuring in at 34 inches now…it was 31 inches a few months ago, that’s a MASSIVE gain. It looks so out of proportion to the rest of me…sigh.

I hope everyone is well, I went back through all my past posts, the messages some of you used to write me were so lovely, I hope you’re still here.

I hope everyone had a Christmas they enjoyed. This year’s was my first Christmas without my brother around. It was weird and awkward, and everyone just pretended like it wasn’t happening and that nothing was different.

But it was.

So tomorrow - 90 minute bike ride, 1 hour walk, and as little food as possible.
o

Just went for a run - it frustrates the crap out of me when groups of people (like 3 or 4) take up the whole footpath and it’s impossible to get around them -especially when they’re coming from opposite directions and see you coming and don’t move at all! Ok so I’m trying my best to get around you people - but you need to help a little bit so I have space to get past! Oh well…it was kind of like a fartlek warm up on my way to the park! My boyfriend comes home today! He’s been away for 3 months for work - and now he’s back for good! I’m so excited <3

Just went for a run - it frustrates the crap out of me when groups of people (like 3 or 4) take up the whole footpath and it’s impossible to get around them -especially when they’re coming from opposite directions and see you coming and don’t move at all! Ok so I’m trying my best to get around you people - but you need to help a little bit so I have space to get past! Oh well…it was kind of like a fartlek warm up on my way to the park!

My boyfriend comes home today! He’s been away for 3 months for work - and now he’s back for good! I’m so excited <3

Going shopping today for my new work wardrobe, YAYYYYY! Don&#8217;t know whether to shop first&#8230;or go for a run first&#8230;hmmm&#8230;

Going shopping today for my new work wardrobe, YAYYYYY!

Don’t know whether to shop first…or go for a run first…hmmm…

I&#8217;ve been mesmerised and inspired by you since the first time we ran together &lt;3

I’ve been mesmerised and inspired by you since the first time we ran together <3

I just found out a girl that&#8217;s on my old running team/used to share rooms with me on running camps qualified for the National Team. She&#8217;s in a younger age grouping than me, but in the whole time we were training under the same coach, she could never beat my time trial time. And here I am, not bothering to even go to training. I know I&#8217;m losing it - the stamina, the speed. What the fuck is wrong with me. I&#8217;m such a fucking failure. I feel like hanging myself.

I just found out a girl that’s on my old running team/used to share rooms with me on running camps qualified for the National Team.

She’s in a younger age grouping than me, but in the whole time we were training under the same coach, she could never beat my time trial time.

And here I am, not bothering to even go to training.

I know I’m losing it - the stamina, the speed.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I’m such a fucking failure.

I feel like hanging myself.

credit .